A few years ago, a successful Manhattan realtor named Amy came to see me. She needed help, she told me, managing the high stress of her job.
But the more she talked about her work, life, and family, the more I came to suspect it wasn’t work that was stressing her out. No, there was a deeper root cause to her anxiety. In the middle of the session, she said it out loud: her relationship with her daughter, Zoe, had crumbled. In fact, they barely had a relationship anymore.
It had gotten rocky during Zoe’s wild teenage years, then cooled off when she went to college in New England. Now, Zoe lived in Boston and worked for a bank. For a while, Amy had been in denial, thinking it was just a phase. But then she’d seen on social media that Zoe had gotten engaged—and she hadn’t called Amy. In fact, Amy hadn’t even known Zoe had a boyfriend.
“We used to be so close, ” she told me, getting choked up. “After her father and I separated, I think she blamed me—I was the strict one; I wouldn’t let her go out partying. In college, she all but stopped talking to me, and now it’s like she doesn’t know me anymore. ” She dabbed at her eyes with a tissue. “I want my daughter back, ” she told me. “I want to be her mother, not just…one of her Instagram followers. ”
Amy’s Pearl goal was clear: to reconnect with Zoe and rebuild their relationship—so it was even stronger than before.
So, we began the process of Mindset Reset.
“The first thing I want you to do, ” I told her, “is Step into the Future, where you and Zoe are close again. The future where you’ve already accomplished this goal. ”
“I’m sorry?” Amy looked at me like I was crazy. (I get that look a lot. I’m used to it. )
“Trust me, ” I said. “This step is vital. ”
Together, we moved through the seven steps of Mindset Reset. I could tell she was still skeptical about the Step into the Future part. She seemed hesitant to let herself really “go there”—to feel the feelings of reconnecting with Zoe, to soak in the love and warmth of that relationship. I could tell she was just going through the motions.
When we were done, it was time for Amy to go, and she promised she’d be back next week.
When she returned, she looked doubtful. “I don’t think it’s working, ” she said. “I texted Zoe, but she didn’t reply. I still feel really crappy about it. ”
“I’d like us to go deeper into Step into the Future, ” I told her. “And I think I have a way to make it easier. ”
I asked Amy to come back into the movement with me: a fun, easy bow jump. It’s basically a big sidestep where you sweep your arm underneath you, like you’re taking a bow.
After she got the feel for the motion, I began to ask her questions.
“Imagine that your relationship with Zoe is the strongest it’s ever been, ” I said. “Imagine your life after you’ve reunited with her. What does that look like? What’s your life like, now that you two are close again?”
Amy leapt to the side, sweeping her arm toward the floor. “That would be wonderful, ” she said lightly, and again, I sensed that resistance.
“Really, ” I said. “What would it be like? If you let yourself imagine that fully, even for just a minute?”
We bow jumped in silence for a minute, until finally, she said (now in a new tone of voice—more reflective, more sincere): “It’s…it’s incredible, ” she said. “I would be so happy. ”
I asked her to say it not as a conditional—not “would be”—but in the present tense.
“I’m so happy, ” she said. “Nothing bothers me anymore, because I have the thing that matters most in life. ”
“How has this impacted other areas of your life?”
“I have so much energy. I smile all the time. My clients and coworkers can tell something’s changed. I’m healthy, I’m active, I’m—I’m alive. ”
“What else has happened as a result?”
A big smile spread across Amy’s face. “I have this whole other world open to me now, ” she said. “I know my daughter’s friends and her fiancé. I’m helping her plan her wedding. I know her dreams and her fears. I’m a part of her life. We take trips together—when she was little, we always talked about going to Italy. We’re going to do that next summer. She comes to visit me every month and she knows all my friends. We have so much fun together, we see shows on Broadway, we go out for ice cream, we do all the things we always said we’d do together. ”
“Looking back, what’s one thing that you did right in making this goal happen?”
She thought. “I…I was completely honest with Zoe, ” she said. “I let myself be vulnerable with her. I told her I missed her and that I love her. I didn’t try to, you know, force myself into her life. I took a risk—I opened up to her and let it be her decision. ” I could see tears in her eyes, but she was smiling. “That’s why it’s so meaningful, ” she said. “Because she met me halfway. She wanted our relationship back, too. ”
That exercise was a turning point for Amy. It helped her do several things: first, it helped her connect with that powerful emotion of why her Pearl mattered so much. Second, it helped her feel that it was possible, because she got it into her body as well as her mind. Third, it gave her some ideas of how she might go about reconnecting with her daughter.
That’s the power of Step into the Future.
It’s unorthodox, I know. Most coaches might ask you start at square one (whatever that is)—but I want you to start at the end.
This step is key. And the good news is, it feels amazing.
A few pages ago I told you the story of how I got my groove back in Hollywood, after I’d let my negative beliefs take over and lost everything. Remember the Bridge of Success, that canyon where I used to run up and do my version of affirmations? “You got the job!” “You got the job!”